EuroRounders

When something reaches me via forwarded email and unattributed I always seek the original source, but I'm having no luck on this. I don't know who wrote it or where it first appeared. To understand why this is so funny you have to understand pot-limit omaha rather well and also be very familiar with the movie rounders.

[Update: the author appears!]


EuroRounders

Michel (voiceover): "If you can't find the boorish
American hold'em player at the table within half an
hour, you are the boorish American hold'em player."

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TITLE/CREDITS. This entire movie is in black and
white, with subtitles.

-----

Michel (voiceover): "This game is really scummy, and
well above what I can afford to play. My entire
bankroll is riding on this one session going well.
This is Teddy CIA's place, where they only play Pot
Limit Omaha, the most sophisticated game in Europe."

- Michel knocks on the window -

Teddy CIA: "You want poker, or whore?"

Michel: "Poker. Give me three stacks of high, elitist
society."

-----

Michel: "I raise."

Teddy CIA: "It's a position raise. I call."

- The flop comes 5-7-A, with two diamonds -

Michel: "I bet the pot."

Teddy CIA: "I raise the pot."

Michel: "I reraise the pot."

Teddy CIA: "I reraise the pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel (voiceover): "I sit back and think. I have
three aces - the best possible hand. I want him to
think I'm debating a call, but really I'm just
thinking about Monte Carlo, and whatever the
[censored] is in Monte Carlo."

Michel: *shrugs* "Okay, well, I re-pot it, I'm all in,
because I don't think you have a pair." *winks at the
camera*

Teddy CIA: "Who are you winking at? It doesn't matter,
I call."

Michel (voiceover): "I know before he even says it."

Teddy CIA: "I have 8-6-4-3 with two diamonds, for a
wrap straight draw and a flush draw, which is a
favorite over your top set."

- Turn is a King. River is a 2 which gives Teddy CIA
an ace-to-five straight for the win. -

- Michel sits there, shell-shocked. -

Joey Croissant: "Come on, I'll get you a whore."

-----

Michel (voiceover): "Well, that sucked. Since then,
I've sworn off of poker and made my living as a
roadside prostitute for boorish American tourists.
Hopefully, I can pay my way through law school that
way. I can always find games, though. I could turn
this truck onto the road and be at the Taj in 19 and a
half hours."

-----

Michel (voiceover): "I'm here to pick my friend Worm
up from prison."

- Worm walks out of prison -

Michel: "Worm! It's wonderful to see you!"

- They kiss each other passionately on the mouth -

Michel: "How was prison?"

Worm: "I was brutally sodomized on a regular basis."

-----

Michel: "Look...Croissant, I never told you this, but
about a year ago, I was playing poker at the Casino
des Atlantes, and Marcel Luske walks in. He sits down
at the 50/100 pot limit game. And, I mean, the whole
place stops, right? Just watching this guy play. After
a while there isn't a retarded European gambling game
going, because everybody's just, you know, watching
this guy."

- Joey Croissant nods -

Michel: "So you know what I did? I sat down."

Joey Croissant: "No way, you need at least 300,000
euros to sit down at a game like that. Such bad
financial management is typical of a boorish
American!"

- Joey Croissant and Michel laugh for twenty-six
minutes -

Michel: "Right, okay, but seriously, I played for an
hour, doing nothing but folding. Then I won a huge
pot."

Joey Croissant: "Aces? Kings? Ace-King doublesuited?
Suited aces? High connectors? Middle doublesuited
connectors? Two big pair?"

Michel: "Rags."

Joey Croissant: "That's probably fine too, you're only
like a 48/52 dog."

Michel: "I raised. And he came over the top of me,
like I was a boorish American. I re-popped it. He
potted it again. I think for like two seconds and then
I re-pot it."

Joey Croissant: "Jesus [censored] Christ, how much
money did you have?"

Michel: "After I bet I would quietly slide my chips
back toward my stack, nobody noticed. Anyway, he
thinks for a while, looks at me, checks his cards
again, and he mucks. I take it down. And then he looks
at me and says, 'I have to know. Did you have it?' And
I said, 'I'm sorry Marcel, I can't remember.'"

Joey Croissant: "Face!"

Michel: "I know, totally. Anyway, based on that one
hand, I felt confident gambling for all the money I
had, at one time."

-----

Law Professor: "I am a Jew."

Michel: "I hate you."

-----

Teddy CIA: "We play, heads up, Pot Limit Omaha, 25 and
50 blinds, until one of us has it all?"

Michel: "Out of sheer curiosity, you realize you're
giving up like boat loads of equity by agreeing to
gamble for money that's effectively yours anyway,
right? That you could just not let me play, and then
kill me and take what I have?"

Teddy CIA: "I know, but I am a boorish American!"

- Michel and Teddy CIA laugh for seventy-two minutes -

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Michel (voiceover): "I pick up Ace-Ace-Jack-Ten
doublesuited."

Michel: "I raise the pot."

Teddy CIA: "Very aggressive. But, I reraise the pot."

Michael (voiceover): "He's representing
Ace-Ace-King-King doublesuited, the only hand better
than mine. I can't call, and give him a chance to
catch. I can only fold...if I believe him."

Michel: "I reraise, I'm all in."

Teddy CIA: "Take it down."

-----

- The flop reads 10-9-5, with two spades -

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot. I'm all in."

Teddy CIA: "Alright, I call. What do you have?"

Michel: "Jack high flush draw and middle set."

Teddy CIA: "Wrap, with a king high flush draw."

Michel: "Boy, I sure hope my 5:4 edge holds up,
otherwise I am going to die."

- Turn is an off-suit 5, giving Michel an unbeatable
hand. But the river is the ace of spades anyway,
because it's always the [censored] ace of spades. -

Teddy CIA: "He beat me. Pay that man his money. His
silly, silly-looking European money."

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Cab Driver: "Where are you off to?"

Michel: "Monte Carlo."

Cab Driver: "Good luck."

Michel: "Shut the [censored] up."