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Nov. 17th, 2005 @ 04:56 pm TWO YEARS IN A ROW
A reader alerts me of the content presently at phil hellmuth's web site:

For a second year in a row, Phil Hellmuth makes it to the Tournament of Champions final table.

Talk about your back-to-back performances!

Year One: Ten (invited) players total. Phil surprisingly manages not to go out 11th. ONE FINAL TABLE IN A ROW.
Year Two: Phil fails to qualify for the event. A lifetime of acting like an idiot makes him sufficiently attractive to a sponsor that he is allowed to play anyway at a direct EV cost to everyone else in the tourney. But it's not enough to acquire $250,000 at the expense of others who qualified fairly. No, let's brag about it. TWO FINAL TABLES IN A ROW.

Phil Hellmuth walks away with a slick $250,000. Not bad for a couple of days work.

Hey, Dennis Kozlowski walked away with a lot more than that for even less work. Not bad! Maybe Phil should use the money to throw this kind of party for his wife. God knows after being married to Phil for this long she must have earned it.

I found this on phil's home page. Is there any chance someone besides phil conceived of this banner?



Here's another good one submitted by another reader:



"I HAVE ALL THE GLORY, TITLES, MOBNEY, AND MENTAL RETARDATION!!!!"
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From:[info]brane
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:01 am (UTC)
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can someone point me to the origin to the "jopke" joke?
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From:[info]extempore
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:12 am (UTC)
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Despite the fact that jopke is apparently a name and/or word in some other countries, the origin is the very first result of a "jopke" search at google.
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From:[info]kyleplaysbass
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:05 am (UTC)
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Everyone Hates on Phil. And I am now going to join in that. I wish I had some mobney.
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From:[info]nathashish
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:06 am (UTC)
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Read that banner again. Second place? Did he decide that Corkins didn't count because he was such a lucky donkey?
From:[info]jcchou
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:10 am (UTC)
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it says 2nd place in the 2004 TOC, which is correct...
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From:[info]normalcyispasse
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:06 am (UTC)
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Does this guy have a grip on reality such that he's aware that he's poker's Milli Vanilli?
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From:[info]extempore
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:10 am (UTC)
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HE HAS ALL THE GLORY TITLES AND MOBNEY!!!!!11
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From:[info]ken_p
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:15 am (UTC)

Another opportunity

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Last year you had a great opportunity to improve your game at:

***Phil Helmuth's Poker Camp****

This year the party continues at the:

*****Pil Helmut Pokur and Typing Camp*****

Back to bak CAMP that our campy guy!!!!! Register today by sneding your mobney!!!!!
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From:[info]ronebofh
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:15 am (UTC)
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What did retards ever do to you to earn a comparison to Phil Hellmuth, man?
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From:[info]epsteininspace
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:28 am (UTC)
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My personal favorite is his oft-cited claim that he was the "nine-time world champion of poker", which requires astoundingly liberal definitions of "world", "champion", and "poker" to be true.
From:[info]sap_pete
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:33 am (UTC)
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Do you know who I am ?? I am Phil Hellmuth, bitch !

Hellmuth always cracks me, with all his jopkes and his mobney. He's such a (mental) case study.
I have to save I've never been on his website until today throught he link provided above, and have missed hours of entertainment.

I like it how he refers on his "Charity Tournament Cancellation" page to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation TWICE as the Susan B. Komen Breast Foundation. lmao

Gotta go and rake in some mobney to book a "Poker Night with Phil"
http://www.philhellmuth.com/play_phil.php

Poker Night with Phil Hellmuth!
Transport yourself and up to 200 others into the world of professional poker for an afternoon or evening. Phil Hellmuth, seven time World Champion of Poker, will come to your house, business, convention or retreat and personally teach you how to play poker like the pros. Afterwards, Phil will run a poker tournament for all attendees, World Championship style. Of course, if you prefer to learn some serious strategy from what many regard as the best poker player in the world today, then one-on-one lessons with Phil will be the best way to go. In addition to winning millions of dollars playing poker, Phil has been featured on ESPN, Discovery Channel, E! Entertainment, Sports Illustrated, and Maxim, to name a few.
$50,000 a night, limited to about 20 nights a year.



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From:[info]sporadic_karma
Date: November 18th, 2005 02:42 am (UTC)
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that bananadwayne is quick witted... what a jopker.

- toddly
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From:[info]bootstar
Date: November 18th, 2005 03:00 am (UTC)
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Yeah, Phil, great job! Congratulations! 2nd place in the 2004 TOC for a total payout of $0.
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From:[info]nathashish
Date: November 18th, 2005 04:10 am (UTC)
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Yeah, I realized the implications of that banner: "Congratulations on being invited to a freeroll and making no money!"
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From:[info]ooda_loop
Date: November 18th, 2005 06:04 am (UTC)
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You guys are fixated on Phil, but you're missing the gems in paulp's other link in this post:

"Big ice sculpture of David, lots of shellfish and caviar at his feet. A waiter pouring stoll [sic] vodka into his back so it comes out his penis into a crystal glass...Everyone is nicely buzzed...A huge cake is brought out with the waiters in togas singing and holding the cake up for all to see. The tits explode, Elvis kicks it into full throttle."

I guess mobney is no object when you've got the company illegally picking up half the tab.
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From:[info]ezrastiles
Date: November 18th, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC)

Linens

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I couldn't believe the linens. "Fabulous linens". "Incredible linens". That's what really makes a party! Hmm, can I guess the author's gender without even looking at the From: line?
From:[info]anselm83
Date: November 18th, 2005 07:29 am (UTC)

?

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Who is Mahatma? Saw him/her playing the other day and didn't recognize the sn offhand.
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From:[info]extempore
Date: November 18th, 2005 07:38 am (UTC)

Re: ?

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I find that a mysterious question, since mahatma (nee spirit rock) is easily the most famous online player. Nothing strange by itself about not knowing who he is, but there is something strange about caring about handles at all yet not knowing that one.
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From:[info]whiskytown
Date: November 18th, 2005 10:03 am (UTC)

you forgot "the National Heads Up Challenge"

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You forgot he also won that -

(which concidently, was probably the smallest tourney played by the pros this year with an extremely small field"

Phil seems to dominate events - provide they're not over 100 people, so two final tables in a row is no shock for the TOC - :D

RB
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From:[info]ribmeister
Date: November 18th, 2005 10:05 am (UTC)
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Of course if Phil had any brains at all he would get that banner link changed that you hot linked to so it says something derogatory ;-)
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From:[info]badblood44
Date: November 18th, 2005 01:49 pm (UTC)
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The sad truth about these Hellmuth mis-typing jokes is that I think we call imagine him actually saying these words out loud.

"Honey, I can dodge buglets. I was supposed to go bropke on that hnad."
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From:[info]thefakeg
Date: November 18th, 2005 02:15 pm (UTC)

Heh...

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I truly hope that no mrono becomes a TAKER accepting mobney to give Ol' Phil some "Spelling correctly while typing" lessons - what a jopke.
From:[info]drewjustdrew
Date: November 18th, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC)

Hard Work

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Hey, Dennis Kozlowski walked away with a lot more than that for even less work. Not bad! Maybe Phil should use the money to throw this kind of party for his wife. God knows after being married to Phil for this long she must have earned it.
Hey, Dennis Kozlowski walked away with a lot more than that for even less work. Not bad! Maybe Phil should use the money to throw this kind of party for his wife. God knows after being married to Phil for this long she must have earned it.
Hey, Dennis Kozlowski walked away with a lot more than that for even less work. Not bad! Maybe Phil should use the money to throw this kind of party for his wife. God knows after being married to Phil for this long she must have earned it.


To be "fair", Kozlowski had to put in a lot more hours to have the opportunity to rob his company blind. I have seen footage of this party. The fireworks display was pretty sweet.
From:[info]whiskycrow
Date: November 18th, 2005 03:13 pm (UTC)
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I went to high school with Kozlowski's daughter. The joke was that she had golden nipples. Reading the description of that party makes the joke seem less far-fetched.
From:[info]sansanatomy
Date: November 18th, 2005 04:45 pm (UTC)
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when she squeezed her boobies, did cristal come out?

oh wait this is a hellmuth thread. make that dom.
From:[info]tipperdog
Date: November 18th, 2005 07:01 pm (UTC)

2 final tables in a row...rookie!

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I've made the final tables of 500 consecutive 10-person SnGs on Party. Phil is an amateur...

Show me the mobney!
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From:[info]greg_kelley
Date: November 18th, 2005 08:40 pm (UTC)

Deuche?

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From:[info]extempore
Date: November 18th, 2005 09:06 pm (UTC)

Re: Deuche?

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"Deuchemarks, the universal currency of lamers."
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From:[info]whisky_river
Date: November 18th, 2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
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Mahatma and Dill Pickle (Matusow, I do believe). Would have been fun to watch for the talk alone.
From:[info]gmjbb
Date: November 19th, 2005 02:11 am (UTC)

bananadwayne

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The screenshot you posted caught me by surprise for a number of reasons. First of all I'm bananadwayne(I wasn't the one to submit it). Also, this took place a few months ago so it seems odd it would resurface now. For an interesting subplot regarding this table check this out:
http://www.pocketfives.com/EC9DC4F4-07CC-48E6-B242-639D8F348115.aspx
From:[info]buhke
Date: November 19th, 2005 03:55 pm (UTC)

"No, let's brag about it. '

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How many times have we heard him brag, "I'm the 9 time world champion buddy!". Phil, it's time for a reality check. There can only be one world champion a year, not every time you win a bracelet. You can't have 30+ world champions every year, I'd understand the main event winner, saying he was world champ that year, that's it! Phil you're a Jopke!
From:[info]bruineric
Date: November 22nd, 2005 07:54 pm (UTC)

Card Protector for your next match vs. PH

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You now MUST use the Phil Hellmuth bobblehead as a card protector during your next matchup vs. Hellmuth.

http://www.flopgear.com/detail.asp?pc=16-PHBH

That would be a freaking riot.