I love you fedex
There were two packages, neither requiring signatures. The first one was delivered dec 4th at 8:16AM and the second delivered dec 5th at 8:51 AM. But they were nowhere to be found on my porch.
So I called fedex and they said they'd picked them back up because someone said I didn't live there anymore. Okay, I guess I have a too-helpful neighbor, although I seriously question whether random strangers should be able to sabotage the delivery process like that. So I gave the fedex person my new address and she said they'd be here within 48 hours.
Five days later I realize I had better call again. I look online and now the tracking numbers have sprouted twins going in the opposite direction. Fuck, they are sending them back to my oh-so-responsive sender. I doubt I'm ever seeing them again if they go all the way back so I call fedex once again.
The woman tells me there's nothing they can do now that it's going back to the sender. I can't quite accept this since they delivered them to me and then pretty much stole them off my front porch, but she's adamant. I kick it up to the supervisor. She says that not only is there nothing they can do, but the packages were never delivered, despite the fact that both tracking pages say "Delivered." She says that neither package was ever really left on my porch. I find this incredibly improbable and tell her so, but she too is adamant. "Okay," I say, "if they were never delivered, can you perhaps explain why they are on their way back to the sender right now?" Silence.
See, either they delivered the packages and then stole them off my porch, or they never delivered them and sent them back to the sender for no reason. In either case it's their fault, but they somehow deny both alternatives. And all this happened not while I sat idly by, but with me calling and catching it immediately, supplying all my current information, and pretty much begging them not to lose the packages. Oh yeah, she said there's no record of that call either. I think they have one of those databases that "forgets" anything that might suggest the company is at fault.
I can already hear the kafkaesque conversations of one week from now, with the original sender saying they have no idea what happened to the packages but fedex clearly shows they were delivered so it's obviously my fault for not being there, and me saying "no no, they weren't REALLY delivered despite what you see, the fedex lady told me so," and the sender laughing and laughing while stomping my precious irreplaceables into dust.