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Apr. 26th, 2005 @ 02:04 pm JOPKE JOKE JOPKE JOKE
Having heard about the great 2-7 game on UB forever but being unwilling to post any of my own money there, I finally borrowed someone else's account to give it a look. Wasn't long before hellmuth showed up and the game got even better. After about the fourth time he went broke he threatened to leave but the other players (not me) were begging him to rebuy. I was enjoying being anonymous and did not participate in any needling.

Here are a couple screenshots that capture the stimulating debate phil likes to engage in at the completion of a well-contested hand. I should point out that it's not like I sat around waiting for him to act like this. It's the first time I've ever played with him on UB and I in no way induced this behavior. This is just how he is.

As a bonus, here is one of the most entertaining 2-7 pots I've ever not played. I'm in the big blind but right after I post my $80 the connection begins flailing and I am disconnected. UltimateBet must have some "all-in protection" but it's not worth much in THIS game. In holdem if you end up all-in with any two cards preflop you have a fair chance of ending up the winner. In triple draw, what are the chances that your random five cards will be better than those of a guy who had three draws to improve!?

And it's not like I'm up against the other blind here. The hand I have to beat was raised under the gun in a full game, and it's held by the most skilled poker player the world has ever known. I reconnected before the hand was over but it wouldn't let me jump back in and draw.

No problem.

(Most identifiable elements in hand history changed, but phil is his inimitable self.)

Hand #XXX at 2-7 Table ($80/$160 Triple Draw 2-7)
Powered by UltimateBet
Started at 26/Apr/05

     player posts the small blind of $40.
     paulp posts the big blind of $80.

First Round:

     player has disconnected, is dropped.
     paulp has disconnected, is dropped.
          PhilHellmuth raises to $160.   player folds.
          player folds.   player folds.   player folds.
          paulp goes all-in (disconnected).   PhilHellmuth is
          returned $80 (uncalled).

          PhilHellmuth takes 1 card.

     player has reconnected.

Second Round:

        (no action in this round)

     paulp has reconnected.
          PhilHellmuth takes 1 card.

Third Round:

        (no action in this round)

          PhilHellmuth stands pat.

Final Round:

        (no action in this round)

Showdown:

     PhilHellmuth shows Jd 9h 8s 5h 2s.
     PhilHellmuth has J 9 8 5 2.
     paulp shows Jc 9s 7s 6d 4d.
     paulp has J 9 7 6 4.

     $1 is raked from a pot of $200.
     paulp wins $199 with J 9 7 6 4.
And that, folks, is why the books will tell you not to go for those rough J9's in 2-7 triple-draw. Some JOPKER will always pop up with a REAL hand: the pat semi-smooth J9.
About this Entry
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From:true_north
Date:April 26th, 2005 09:20 pm (UTC)
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I'm in tears, I'm laughing so hard. I especially loved the part where Phil thanked the guy.

I'll bet UB actually pays Phil by the curse word. They probably get way more traffic just to watch the guy self-destruct that if he just played like a normally functioning member of society.
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From:entrager
Date:April 26th, 2005 09:30 pm (UTC)
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I've never had the... um... pleasure of playing at UB. I am completely shocked at the level of maturity displayed by Hellmuth here. I always kinda figured that he'd just keep his damn mouth shut on UB, but he's worse than most of the idiots online.
From:forrest_faulk
Date:April 26th, 2005 09:36 pm (UTC)

Interesting...

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I don't understand how a website could use this guy to openly promote them when he bashes people who are using the product? When I am shopping I don't need someone yelling and me and telling me I have no taste in shirts and pants....I can figure it out myself. Do you think there is any chance they would stop using him to promote UB?
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From:entrager
Date:April 26th, 2005 09:43 pm (UTC)

Re: Interesting...

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If I recall correctly, Phil is close friends with the owner of UB.
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From:walterzuey
Date:April 26th, 2005 09:42 pm (UTC)

jorj95

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is the same George who occasionally shows up in my journal for comic relief. I guarantee you he forgot more about triple draw yesterday than Phil knows.
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From:jeffhawkins
Date:April 26th, 2005 10:08 pm (UTC)
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"you have the brain of a four year old child and I bet he was glad to get rid of it"- Groucho Marx

Perhaps you can log Ivy on to UB and have a showdown with Phil.
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From:deepdowntruth
Date:April 26th, 2005 10:12 pm (UTC)
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Once in a while, he'll pop into some low-stakes Omaha and 2-7 games while I'm on. He pulls a lot of that standing-pat-with-any-unpaired-hand crap, and when he loses (which is often), he berates someone for capping with a rough six or something.

That being said, I don't really dislike Hellmuth. He comes off slick in interviews, and I suspect that most of his table act is, well, an act. I'm sure he doesn't mind any additional action he gets from players who dislike him. I'd bet it's annoying to play him live, but from afar I kinda dig the uber-brat vibe.

Am I psychotic?
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From:walterzuey
Date:April 27th, 2005 04:40 am (UTC)

action

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When your specialty is aggressive play in HLHE tourneys, you DON'T want action. In fact, when you get action, you best say, "keep doin' that and I'm gunna get alll your chips."
From:illunious
Date:April 26th, 2005 10:31 pm (UTC)
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Where's the screenshots? I don't see any.
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From:extempore
Date:April 26th, 2005 11:23 pm (UTC)
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Sorry, I just had another fun DSL flail and improving.org went away. It's back now.
From:mikehenry
Date:April 26th, 2005 11:54 pm (UTC)
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this hellmuth guy is pretty damn bad at draw popker, as far as i can tell. If he keeps it up, he's going to be bropke.
From:dahooch
Date:April 27th, 2005 12:06 am (UTC)
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this is similar to watching Matusow self destruct heads up on FullTilt at the 25-50 NL tables...I'm more curious how Hellmuth has so many typos when he's been on UB for years now.....
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From:sporadic_karma
Date:April 27th, 2005 12:07 am (UTC)
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all the good jopkes i thought of were already taken...

- toddly
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From:tom_bayes
Date:April 27th, 2005 12:15 am (UTC)
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Wow. Isn't Phil like 40-ish? That kind of chat is embarassing if you are 19, let alone his age. I see dropping out of college did nothing for his spelling and grammar and general writing ability.

As far as "representing" UB, well he probably attracts action from people that just want to put a beat on him and provoke a temper tantrum. I've never played at UB with Hellmuth, but I put a pretty sick beat on Annie in a 2-7 game once (I played like a donkey and hit a miracle 7-5). She just said "nh". Of course, it was only $3/$6, which is decent stakes for me but not her.

Oh, Paul, how do you still have the time to check out Philly? Don't you have a diaper to go change ;)
From:crazyn8
Date:April 27th, 2005 01:19 am (UTC)
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Seriously? I'm having a hard time with this. I'm not the coolest costumer but I don't even act like this! Wow, this is embarassing! I feel for his family.
From:sickdaddy
Date:April 27th, 2005 02:47 am (UTC)
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I've played with Phil online, and seen the same thing. It's funny to me.

I wonder what kind of tantrums he has when his wife asks him to take out the garbage.
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From:savemyskin
Date:April 27th, 2005 03:35 am (UTC)
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This behavior and level of play are not uncommon for Phil on UB. Every time I've played the deuce game with him (maybe half a dozen times), I've had similar experiences. One time he went as far as to comment on a play I made by saying "yum yum."
From:sonicjimi
Date:April 27th, 2005 03:49 am (UTC)
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This is without a doubt the funniest poker blog entry I have ever read! Congrats Paul on absolute HIGH COMEDY! You are a genius!

Other Phil story:
I have a friend here in the Philippines who is a pro basketball player. He used to play pick up games with Phil at Wisconsin back in the day. He says Phil was a massive whiner who was not good enough for that game and very difficult to tolerate. The funny part is he told me all of this without having ever heard of the guy's poker career. He didn't even know what a famous anus Phil has turned out to be...
From:brianspoker
Date:April 27th, 2005 05:23 am (UTC)
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LOL!

Perhaps Phil used up most of his +KARMA in 1989, or has so much left over he has to act like a 3 year old in a grocery store (sorry Paul you will see this in due time) for the rest of his life.

Phil's antics are hard to take seriously, I look forward to our first table meeting, I promised myself 2 years ago I would bluff him off a hand with 72o and then show it.

-Bri


From:andy_ward_uk
Date:April 27th, 2005 06:33 am (UTC)
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Is there any possibility it was someone else playing his account ? Wasn't there some fuss a few months ago about Hellmuth being spotted somewhere off-line while his account was being played ?

Me, I don't play UB anyway. They seem to have a plan to sponsor all the most obnoxious professionals they can find. Maybe I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face but it's not something I lose a lot of sleep over.

Andy.

www.pokersoft.blogspot.com
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From:patrissimo
Date:April 27th, 2005 07:00 am (UTC)
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if it is, he does a damn good Phil Hellmouth impression! Passes my Hellmuth Turing test.
From:andy_ward_uk
Date:April 27th, 2005 07:35 am (UTC)
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I thought the Turing test only applied to artifical _intelligence_

Nonetheless you have a point :-)

Andy.
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From:patrissimo
Date:April 27th, 2005 07:22 pm (UTC)

bzzzzzzzt

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Actually, the original Turing test was whether you could tell a man from a woman (both trying to seem like a man, or both like a woman) by conversing with them through a data terminal. He then went on to propose it as a test for AI, and that is how we think of it nowadays, but that was not the first example he gave. Try reading the original material, it's fairly readable and quite interesting.

Oh, and never doubt me :).
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From:patrissimo
Date:April 27th, 2005 06:53 am (UTC)
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the stimulating debate phil likes to engage in at the completion of a well-contested hand

cracked up at this line.
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From:kerrizor
Date:April 27th, 2005 11:22 am (UTC)
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There's money to be made in making up a few hundred "I Sucked Out On Phil Hellmuth And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt Covered With His Spittle As He Berated Me" shirts
From:drizztdj
Date:April 27th, 2005 01:15 pm (UTC)
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Win - Place - Show, you sweep once again Paul.

I'm surprised he didn't put on his tin foil hat and scream after losing that disconnected hand against you.
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From:southernyank
Date:April 27th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
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Typos are easy for me to overlook, like the "jopke" thing. I can understand how people typing quickly add or lose a letter here or there.

But the behavior Phil exhibits can't be blamed on typos. More than just unprofessional - it's downright immature and reminiscent of lots of the juvenile whiners in online poker. It's like junior high all over again, minus the mandatory showering with other guys in the locker room.

That said, I love to watch Phil play. He makes for good TV.
From:ohgeetee
Date:April 27th, 2005 08:39 pm (UTC)
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Typos are understandable, but the stuff he was laying out were rage induced typos. Being so pissed off that you fatfinger every other word is just hilarity.
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From:joepro
Date:April 28th, 2005 06:30 pm (UTC)

Chat reply

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I would have expected one more line from the chat box after that great hand:

Paulp: "Now that's JUSTICE!"

Surely that would have put Phil on tilt and possibly even gotten you banned from UB permanently.